How To Write An Erotic Novel : Guaranteed Success

THE GUY 

1. Must be filthy rich.
2. Must have the most gorgeous body.
3. Must have the most handsome face.
4. Must have the most intense eyes.
5. Must have childhood/teenage trauma because of which he sees a shrink.
6. Must have lots and lost of deep dark secrets.
7. Must have nightmares.MUST.
8. Either never had a serious relationship before OR has a stalker ex-girlfriend OR his first love broke his heart in millions of tiny pieces and crushed it into dust.
9. Must be very very mysterious and secretive.
10. Must have a couple of penthouses,a private jet/helicoptor or both.
11. Must employ detective to find out everything about his girlfriend.
12. Must be freakishly possessive.
13. Must be either adopted OR have siblings with whom he has deep-rooted issues.
14. Must feel the need to have sex with her the moment his eyes land on her the very first time.
15. Must be completely taken aback and wonder obsessively how a simple girl,with simple clothes and simple hair with a simple job has made him fall madly in love when generally he tends to go for the posh sophisticated,rich,leggy lasses with dare bare outfits.


THE GIRL

1. Must be clumsy as a result of which she will bump into The Guy in the elevator or on the ground floor,things will fall out of her hand and the The Guy will pick her up,look at her in the eyes with a strange expression (at this point intense electricity is supposed to flow between them) , give a weak-in-the-knees smile and glide away.
2. Must keep meeting The Guy preferably in the elevator,so that she can be absolutely sure that there is certain chemistry between them.
3. Must either be a naive simpering virgin OR must have childhood trauma and/or deep dark secrets like The Guy.
4. Cannot be like the supermodel type The Guy generally dates.
5. Preferably with divorced parents.


THE SEX

1. The guy must be the very best at it.nothing less than that is acceptable.
2. Must have sex anytime anywhere anyhow, namely :
    a)Back of car
    b)Family Gathering
    c)Party
    d)Elevator
    e)Piano
    f)Office table
    g)Kitchen table
    h)Study table
    i)All other tables
    j)Penthouse sofa
    k)The sofa in his/her office
    l)Carpet
    m)Shower
    n)Chair
    o)Bed (a rather mundane place though)
Put in appropriate words and sounds (you know what i mean) and wallah,there you have it - your very own erotic novel.

Talaash : eh,that's the answer ?

Watching Talaash is like being sucked into a new dark love affair only to be sourly disappointed with how things end.If i sound annoyed that is because considering it is an Aamir Khan film,the climax is not what you associate with a powerhouse like Khan. He is probably the only superstar who can still deliver a blockbuster without dancing in the fields of Punjab with his lady love or tearing his shirt to reveal rippling biceps as he beats up all the bad guys with bare hands. Not that Talaash is to be missed.On the contrary it is one of the most well crafted (except for the end) and well directed hindi movie in recent times that keeps you hooked as the mystery and the eerines slowly builds to a pitch.

The first half is brilliant. Director Reema Kagti skillfully creates the atmosphere of the other side of Mumbai after dark,moving through the dingy,seedy lanes,lingering on the brothels and the street corners where the prostitutes with garish make-up come out looking for prospective clients along with the pimps.This part of any city is always insignificant to people like us and the people living there even more so. What is being portrayed here is that there is another strata of society where the people,despite their profession,deserve respect and humanity.

Part of Talaash's lure are the actors and their characters. Rani Mukherjee as Roshni does very well as the mother who tries to cope with the death of her son without being reduced to a perpetually sad and lost character. Aamir Khan plays the tough cop,Inspector Surjan Singh Shekhawat, battling his inner demons.He does it well enough though I expected something a little more from him, maybe because with each passing film you expect Khan to surpass his previous one. However the stars of the movie in my opinion were Kareena Kapoor as Rosy, a street walker and Nawazuddin Siddiqui as Temur, the man with the limp at the brothel who does odd jobs for a living. Kareena Kapoor mouths her cheesy and corny lines with oomph and naughtiness,making Rosy extremely likable and mysterious at the same time. Siddiqui, as usual,is nothing short of brilliant.

The supporting cast,too,held their own. Rajkumar Yadav as Surjan Singh Shekhawat's junior officer is a perfect fit as is Shernaz Patel as the psychic who helps Rani Mukherjee find some solace and peace and Sheeba Chadha as the sex worker past her prime.

The movie starts with the murder of a young star who dies in a freak car accident. Inspector Shekhawat is in charge of the investigation. As the mystery deepens,his professional and personal life get entangled. He drifts apart from his wife only to comes across a very inviting Rosy who drops hints about the case. Meanwhile on the other side Temur accidentally finds himself in the middle of the murder and tries to make money out of it.Its all rather intriguing and keeps you guessing who know how much and who is playing what game.

Everyone enjoys Talaash till the twist. But what happens after that ?

The answer lies in the theatre near you.