How To Write An Erotic Novel : Guaranteed Success

THE GUY 

1. Must be filthy rich.
2. Must have the most gorgeous body.
3. Must have the most handsome face.
4. Must have the most intense eyes.
5. Must have childhood/teenage trauma because of which he sees a shrink.
6. Must have lots and lost of deep dark secrets.
7. Must have nightmares.MUST.
8. Either never had a serious relationship before OR has a stalker ex-girlfriend OR his first love broke his heart in millions of tiny pieces and crushed it into dust.
9. Must be very very mysterious and secretive.
10. Must have a couple of penthouses,a private jet/helicoptor or both.
11. Must employ detective to find out everything about his girlfriend.
12. Must be freakishly possessive.
13. Must be either adopted OR have siblings with whom he has deep-rooted issues.
14. Must feel the need to have sex with her the moment his eyes land on her the very first time.
15. Must be completely taken aback and wonder obsessively how a simple girl,with simple clothes and simple hair with a simple job has made him fall madly in love when generally he tends to go for the posh sophisticated,rich,leggy lasses with dare bare outfits.


THE GIRL

1. Must be clumsy as a result of which she will bump into The Guy in the elevator or on the ground floor,things will fall out of her hand and the The Guy will pick her up,look at her in the eyes with a strange expression (at this point intense electricity is supposed to flow between them) , give a weak-in-the-knees smile and glide away.
2. Must keep meeting The Guy preferably in the elevator,so that she can be absolutely sure that there is certain chemistry between them.
3. Must either be a naive simpering virgin OR must have childhood trauma and/or deep dark secrets like The Guy.
4. Cannot be like the supermodel type The Guy generally dates.
5. Preferably with divorced parents.


THE SEX

1. The guy must be the very best at it.nothing less than that is acceptable.
2. Must have sex anytime anywhere anyhow, namely :
    a)Back of car
    b)Family Gathering
    c)Party
    d)Elevator
    e)Piano
    f)Office table
    g)Kitchen table
    h)Study table
    i)All other tables
    j)Penthouse sofa
    k)The sofa in his/her office
    l)Carpet
    m)Shower
    n)Chair
    o)Bed (a rather mundane place though)
Put in appropriate words and sounds (you know what i mean) and wallah,there you have it - your very own erotic novel.